if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
