At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Found the puke drawer
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
