Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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