saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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