tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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