apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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