Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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