I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
