Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
ttyl tear gas
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have aggressive nipples.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
