I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
