is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
