i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
