I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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