So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
