I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
