i may or may not be watching the land before time
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
