Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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