The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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