I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize