I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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