I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
