i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
