He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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