I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
