Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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