when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
