I CAN MOONWALK!
I just threw up on my dentist
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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