Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Life is so much better after having sex.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
