fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Farmville is her only friend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
