you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
