at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize