Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
two words: eviction party
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
