i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i drank out of a bidet.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
