I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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