So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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