im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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