my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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