My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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