Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
