it was like his penis was on wheels.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
