I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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