we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
