So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
