oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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