shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
