When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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