Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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