Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
