Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
