Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
