i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's shark week go big or go home
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
