"it" just moved
im having a threesome with these popsicles
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
