i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
