the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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