Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
