the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
